The Lost Weekend

By Tommy McIntyre
 March 17, 2020

This weekend played out rather like most of Rangers’ attacking since Christmas. 

No end result. 

It wasn’t even anti-climactic to have the Old Firm game cancelled (this cancel culture has gotten out of control). It was however depressing not having the game to look forward to, four instalments of Ian ‘Derby Day’ Crocker being just enough to keep my anger levels topped up over the year. 

So, no Russian roulette on the Saturday night weighing up how to get drunk without tampering with the pre-purchased Sunday morning ‘cargo’. Every bottle fearing for its life like elderly passengers on a Cruise ship. Right now a sneeze must sound like a gunshot to those folk; at the end of this article reach out to a vulnerable family member/friend/neighbour/arch nemesis and offer support in these trying times. A Last Will and Testament is always open to amendment you know. 

No Twitter videos of 16-year-olds doing the Bouncy in their maw’s flat whilst the family whippet hides under the couch like the Compliance Officer. Is she still a thing? Keen to understand if she has just been self-isolating since June. I think you have to really believe she exists and say her name three times into a pint tumbler at midnight to get an audience. That or just be Peter Lawwell. 

On the topic of family-isolation at least Kaspar Kent now has an excuse when questioned about the basement full of Asian women he has. Only a matter of time until we see a Bondage RSC, although I suspect joining will involve a lot of red tape, or rope. 

I feel especially bad for the crane operator team who were stood down from their usual Old Firm gig of dropping Kris Boyd into his waistcoat. Those buttons are under more pressure than a woman trying to leave Neil Lennon. Could be worse, you could be his buffet wrangler. Incredible, edible scenes at Sky HQ I’m told. 

Seeing as well that Top Man’s profits took a hit as human clothes-rack Kris Commons wasn’t out on his usual spending spree. No doubt he is in a cupboard muttering about the car collection used by Rangers players and how it wasn’t like that in his day when every player just materialised at training and no player spent money or was seen (I think it is called The Dalcio arrangement). Personally I long for a return of the official Rangers and Honda agreement. At least you could easily fit a tracker on them. 

Fantastic of Alfredo Morelos’ charity to have extended food drop-offs to the vulnerable and elderly in Glasgow. Hearing Jermaine Defoe was delighted to receive some extra pasta and handwash as he can’t get to the shops these days. 

And so finally to Neil Lennon’s comments on getting the trophy no matter what happens. If the SPFL decide not to hand Celtic the trophy I believe the Celtic fans have created a JustGiving page. Makes a difference from them giving us all a brass neck. 

Actually, ever a man of my word here is the final point, best regards to James Traynor as he leaves Rangers having been replaced by a man so steeped in the club in 2012 he started wanking left handed so he could claim he was a different holding company. I look forward to our new catering offering; Michael Stone Bangers or The Jiggy Jiggy Capucho Chicken washed down with a glass of Rob Kiernan, or piss as it’s called. 

Right, I’m away to see just how absorbent Plenty kitchen roll really is. 

Record Reporter

Written by Tommy McIntyre (@Tommynglasgow)

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